Without the need to consult a calendar and simply by noting trade volumes, The Great Mephisto uses his powers of divination and states that today must be a Thursday or Friday in the last two weeks of August (the crowd gasps in amazement and bursts into wild applause).
(insert name and ticker of personally preferred stock here) up 1% on low volumes and no news.
(insert name and ticker of personally preferred stock here) down 1% on low volumes and no news.
Mojitos served. The end.